Sorry for the lack of blogging, I did actually write up an entry a week ago but it got eaten. Somehow. Not impressed. I couldn't be bothered to type it all out again!
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago Mr J, the PP and I were at the shopping centre. We love checking out the book store, as do the princesses. Mr J made his way to the spiritual/religious/new age section, and I took the girls to look at Mr Men, Beatrix Potter and Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Once the girls had chosen a book each, we went to find Mr J, who has been searching for a specific book. I started pulling out different titles to see if anything else was of interest to him, when a cover caught my eye. It was a simple cover photo, of a wolf.
I read the back, and decided it would be one to add to my kindle. However I was disappointed to see that it wasn't available so I went to my next source, The Book Depository. I impatiently waited for it to arrive, which it did two days ago. Since then I have begun to devour Estes' writing whenever I get a chance. She talks about how "within every woman there lives a Wild Woman, filled with passionate creativity and ageless knowing, but repressed for centuries by a value system that trivialises emotional truth, intuitive wisdom and instinctual self-confidence." She shares stories and folklore that show us how we may imagine ourselves to be, and how we truly are. That's the general gist, without me rambling!
Last night after the girls were in bed, I continued reading and highlighted those passages which resonated with me. Needless to say, the first few chapters that I've managed to read so far, are filled with green highlights! I think this book appeals to me, because I see so much of myself in it. I constantly feel the need to be what I'm expected to be, and to do what I'm expected to do. I hide aspects of myself that I feel I should be ashamed of, and constantly worry what people think of me.
What are some things about myself that I hide?!
* I rarely share that I love and believe in most of the aspects of attachment parenting. Sometimes I feel I'm a bit of a closet hippy!
* I don't enjoy general nursing, I really don't. The thought of returning to work on a surgical or medical ward makes me feel ill.
* I want to change the world (Mr J knows this, and likes to remind me that I can't help or save everyone). Especially in regards to animals. I would have a houseful of foster cats if Mr J would let me! Instead, I make do with dropping food off once a fortnight to our vet (who takes in dumped cats and kittens.) But it's not enough.
* I hide the fact that my endometriosis and adenomyosis is causing me so much pain. There's people a lot worse off, so suck it up!
I need to stop caring what people think of me. I need to start living life the way I want to, without trying to keep everyone else happy (excluding the PP, who rely on me for everything). I need to start "running with the wolves."
I need to just get brave enough to do it.